Ricki Lake knows the love she had with her late ex-husband Christian Evans was very rare.
While appearing on an episode of PeopleTV’s Chatter on Tuesday, the actress explained that the one thing she’d like to experience for the first time was something she has already felt — and doesn’t think is likely to happen again.
“I found true love with my husband who passed so I’m hoping to find love again,” Lake, 50, said on Chatter. “I don’t think I will. I’m open to it, but I think what I had — I was so lucky to have found that, it’s what everybody wants in life.”
Evans died by suicide at the age of 45 following a long battle with bipolar disorder. Though Lake filed for divorce in 2014 after two years of marriage, the pair continued their relationship until September 2016 amid his struggle with the mental illness.
“I had true, unconditional love so I’d like to have something along those lines again,” she continued. “But I feel like lightning doesn’t strike twice.”
Added the Cry-Baby actress: “I had the real deal; I just didn’t have it as long as I wanted it.”
The couple began dating in September 2010. At the time, Lake said she had given up on the idea of happily ever after. Having split from Rob Sussman, the father of her two sons Milo, 21, and Owen, 17, in 2003, Lake said, “I never thought I would marry again after that.”
But Evans, who the actress said was upfront about his condition and admitted he had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder earlier in his life, “was quiet and wise. There was not a phony bone in his body.”
“He had a lot of self-esteem issues and a lot of demons,” Lake added. “But I understood him, and he was someone that I think a lot of people misunderstood.”
Evans and Lake were engaged in August 2011 and were married by the following April.
RELATED: Ricki Lake Honors Ex-Husband Who Committed Suicide With New Film: ‘I’ll Miss Him Every Day’
Evans’ mental health issues led to him moving out and the pair deciding to get a divorce. Despite their separation, Lake was still supportive of her ex-husband.
“It wasn’t my comfort level to be together in secret,” Lake told PEOPLE in March 2017. “He wasn’t stable, and he was so fragile, but I was still in love with him, so there was something romantic about it. I wanted to save him.”
She also admitted to hoping they would eventually repair their marriage.
“I knew there wasn’t a high probability for that happening, but I hoped so,” she told PEOPLE. “I was still in love with him. He made me so happy. I was never happier than when I was with him.”
RELATED VIDEO: Ricki Lake Wants To Help Others Struggling With Depression After Her Ex-Husband’s Suicide
In the years after his death, Lake has worked to keep Evans’ legacy alive by co-producing Weed the People — a documentary that advocates for the legalization of medical marijuana — and sharing his story about mental illness.
“I have to spread the word about recognizing this disorder and getting treatment as soon as possible,” Lake told PEOPLE. “Christian didn’t want to be labeled as bipolar, but he admitted he was in the note he left.”
“That was him finally owning it,” she added. “That was him giving me permission to tell his story.”
Catch PeopleTV‘s Chatter live on Twitter and streaming on People.com every weekday at 8 p.m. ET/5 p.m. PT.
If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), text “help” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or go to suicidepreventionlifeline.org.
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